There was a whole first paragraph. A lead-in. This was a piece, or it started as one. But it quickly turned into more of a collection of thoughts, and I think that feels more honest, so let’s scrap the intro and dive in.
I’ve been in some form of denial over who I am for about thirty years now.
But I’m bisexual.
The major denial part of that was not that I’m bi. I’ve been, if not open about it, far from closed. Embarrassingly not closed, sometimes. Lid popping off, contents going everywhere.
The denial part — what’s stopped me writing something like this before - is about whether I’m bi enough.
“Am I enough?” is a question that I ask myself a lot, especially in low moments. Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I thoughtful enough? Am I conscientious enough? Am I useful enough? Am I enough, in general?
Am I bi enough?
Well, I’m attracted to guys.
Am I attracted to guys enough?
I think so, yeah. I’ve had a lot of these attractions over the years. I think these feelings are real and valid, and I’ve had them all through my life.
Why bi? Why not pan?
I reach instinctively for the term I’ve known the longest. There’s room for me to rethink whether another term might define me better. I’ll stick with “bi” for now and see how I feel, but it’s definitely an inclusive version.
Have I been with a guy?
The big question. Let’s assume the answer’s “not to your satisfaction”. I’d still like to be with a guy, and I do fantasize about that in specific ways. Though I should mention that I’m in a committed and so far monogamous relationship. If that invalidates me in your eyes, then so it goes. I don’t think it invalidates me in my own.
(There was more here that got into my kinks, but that’s a part of my life I’m not as open about as I used to be. Unless I see you at the munch.)
Well, that’s just not good enough. I haven’t put in the hours. When I have, then maybe I get to come out.
This is a real thought I have had many times. But it no longer feels like a reasonable thought, and definitely not a healthy thought. It feels like imposter syndrome talking. It feels like imposing an unnecessary timeline. What if it was the other way round? What if I was allowed to define myself and then explore?
I’m attracted to guys. I’m bi. What if I started there and just… saw where it took me?
Am I good-looking/thin/sexy enough to be into guys, though?
This is another thought I have had many times. It’s a bad thought, and probably comes from bad cultural programming. I’m leaving it here as one of the gates I’ve thrown in my own way, and one of the dumber ones at that.
If I really meant it, I’d have done something about it by now.
This one’s kind of insidious. But… things take a while for me. It takes time for me to get to places. I know that about myself. if what’s been keeping this door closed is me, I can just… stop keeping it closed.
It sounds like I’m pretending for clout/woke points/blah blah blah
Another persistent thought, but the “it sounds like” is the telling part. Because so much of why I haven’t said this before is because I’ve been afraid of being judged, being misinterpreted, being misrepresented. It’s not so much the disapproval of strangers I’m afraid of, it’s the disapproval of friends. To tell myself I’m not enough is business as usual. To be told I’m not enough would be crushing. Why risk it? Why not stay quiet forever?
Because staying quiet is crushing me, just slower. I don’t think I can do it any more. This feels real, this feels valid, I’d like to say it out loud. I don’t really care what it sounds like.
But have I properly interrogated myself about this? Have I really? Or do I just want it to be true?
This is another one that’s been a sticking point forever. But the feelings I’ve had over the years feel valid and real to me. They are true.
What I want is for them to be enough, which is a different thing, societally and personally, and that’s what this is all about.
For years, I locked myself into a way of thinking where I wasn’t bi enough, or at least I wasn’t bi enough to allow myself to think of myself as bi. There’d always be some test I hadn’t quite passed yet, some hurdle I had to jump before I could define myself.
I’ve always looked at myself through a lens of self-hatred and self-loathing, and that’s affected this. I wasn’t enough in this category because I wasn’t enough in any category. My “not being bi enough” was just one more metric I could hate myself on. I think I’ve done myself more damage over the years from this than I want to admit.
But I’ve made a lot of progress on that front, with a lot of help from the people who care about me, and I’m ready to see myself as I am.
What if I’m wrong?
(Ghostbusters voice) If I’m wrong, I go to horny jail! Peacefully! Quietly! I’ll enjoy it!
At this point, it’s… what if I’m right? What I am allowed to define myself? What if I let myself say “yes, this is me” and I feel better and happier and it’s a weight off? Because I think that might be what’ll happen. I think it already has.
It’s time. It’s past time. If not now, when? When do I let myself? Enough self-interrogation. Enough second-guessing. Enough wondering if I’m enough. It’s just… it’s exhausting. It doesn’t help me, it doesn’t help anybody. I’m over it. I’m done with it.
I am who I am, and I’m bi. I don’t care if I’m allowed to be, I just am.
I just am.
Al Ewing 29/06/21